The Art of Saying NO
Think of all the times you say NO on a regular basis.
Regardless of the context, what are you actually saying, intending, conveying? Does it only mean disapproval, disagreement, lack of interest? Are you freely saying no? Is there a YES in your NO sometimes?
According to renowned hostage negotiator, Chris Voss:
"No is the start of negotiation, not the end of it."
What does this really mean? To understand this, we have to unpack what a no really means in our bodies, brains, emotions and mental structures.
Across cultures, lived experiences and across the spectrum of neurobiology, a no generates unpleasant feelings, it implies rejection, and it is often experienced as aggressive.
When we hear NO as children, NO as a student, NO as a romantic partner, NO as an employee, we create a negative emotional valence - meaning the immediate emotional characteristic we apply to something.
Often a no means one thing and is read as something else:
I don't like this = I don't like you
I need someone else to talk with > You're not good enough
Paired with strong non-verbal cues it can also mean "go away."
Often our muscles take shape around repeated no's so much that we begin to anticipate or even expect them. We draw a line between ourselves and the other and create a clear boundary with our no.
Now, I invite you to consider this.
Think of a "NO" as an assertion of our autonomy more so than an assertion of a boundary.
When do we tend to assert our boundaries? >>When we feel our way core self is being threatened or at risk in some way. Why do we really reject something or someone? >> Because the person or situation make us feel out of control. Often, what we really mean by that no, tends to get lost.
"No, I will not do this your way" - may really be - "I want more of a say in how we do this."
We say no, to regain our autonomy.
Now, let's go a level deeper. Consider this:
A "no" delivered when protecting our autonomy will most likely be a power-based move. Whereas a "no" delivered from a centered, in control experience will most likely be a strength-based move.
Be aware of any cognitive bias as you understand this. A power-based move is not always a bad thing, a strength move may not always land.
Here is an example:
You come home tired after a long day, commuting, and list of chores ahead, and your young child calls you out for having unfairly sided with their sibling yesterday.
>> As a power-based move: you might dismiss their assessment and just tell them they are wrong.
>> As a strength-based move: you might ask them for a little time to decompress and listen to why they feel that way in some time.
There are obviously many other options. However,
one option, we typically don't consider is to allow the NO, even invite the NO.
Allowing someone (your child, co-worker or even a hostage keeper) to say no allows them to feel their autonomy. The more they get comfortable saying no, and knowing you hear it, the more time you buy in a hostage negotiation, and the more trust you develop with your child and co-worker. Remember, when you are feeling out of control, when you are saying no - you might need the same.
We want your NO's to be heard, felt, understood. And this is true for others too.
Listening to the NO, not resisting it, allows for the no-sayer to self-regulate, get out of a positional place. The fight de-escalates and a NO can open possibilities to a maybe or even a yes.
And now, Aikido.
Non-resistance is one of the core principles of Aikido. If there is no resistance, then you have won before starting.
This is an excerpt from the teachings of Morihei Ueshiba - an aikido master. There are many parallels between the principles of Aikido and conflict resolution.
The training in Aikido as a martial art is focused on wielding the energy of resistance and turning it into something good, productive, valuable. The energy of the impact of a punch is re-directed - turning the fight into a dance - or even a conversation.
What ways can you understand the no's in your own life?
